2017 in 5 Songs

As we approach the end of another year, most of us find ourselves in rather reflective moods. Gifts have been opened, food has been ravished and then we cast our minds back across the last 12 months and ponder, what did I do? What did I learn? Did I accomplish anything of significant worth? These questions cannot be answered with a simple one word reply, but rather than do a lengthy blog post weaving you amongst the months that formed my year, I instead have chosen 5 songs that sum up how I felt over the year, from when I was at my happiest to when things became darkened by a shadow that I wasn't sure would fade. Music is such an important aspect of my emotions, I find it utterly therapeutic and cathartic to listen to songs that I can pour my emotions into when I struggle to articulate them verbally, or even through the written word. So, without further ado, I present to you, dear reader, my year as told through the following 5 songs.

1) Mia & Sebastian's Theme from "La La Land"  - Justin Hurwitz 

  The start of 2017 was dominated by the musical film La La Land, with its catchy songs and incredibly charming performances from Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling. But the true star of the film was Justin Hurwitz, who composed every single song on the film and scored one of the most infectious, yet beautiful soundtracks of the year. In particular, 'Mia & Sebastian's Theme' which is woven so brilliantly throughout the film to connect our main characters together. From the gentle piano led opening to the crashing ending, it is a piece of music that speaks from the heart, lashings of romance and emotional intent. I had gone to see the film with my ex partner at the time, at which point I was very smitten and head over heels. Wether it be I was still in a festive mood from Christmas or the film had made me ever-so-slightly giddy, I fell in love with this piece of music. Somehow, listening to it, my feelings toward my ex partner were replicated on the screen. It made me happy, hopeful even. Hopeful that 2017 was going to be my year, that things would go my way, as much of a tired cliche that may be. Was it idealistic? Perhaps. But I liked having an idealistic image in my head of being in a relationship, going to jazz bars and drinking coffee (albeit not in Coventry but still!).  La La Land may have divided viewers, but it won me over as it exemplified my feelings of romance, happiness and hope going in to the year. I listen to it now and it is instead tainted with an aching sadness, but the hope still flickers. I like holding on to that hope.  

2) Praying - Kesha 

 As spring flourished into the early realms of summer, I found myself speaking less and less into my partner. He had gotten a new job in which he had to move, which I fully supported and even visited him a few times. But things had felt different, there was an unease in the air. Naturally I brushed it to one side and thought nothing of it. Around the same time, Kesha returned to the music scene with the outstanding ballad Praying, a cathartic release of anger and raw pain that she has experienced over the last 4 years, with her very publicly disputed lawsuit with Dr Luke. The song really tapped into my soul, creeping its way into my emotions and bringing them to the surface. But why? Everything was good, wasn't it?
The next day after listening to the song I woke up, the morning of a funeral I had to attend, to a text saying 'we need to talk'. I was then spectacularly dumped over the phone, with his reasoning being he "hadn't felt anything for over a month". Everything went dark and like a wave, all these unexpected emotions hit the surface. I had never felt more alone after 8 months of unwavering happiness. I was hurt, angry and confused. This is where Praying really helped me move through the storm and make it out unscathed. I listened closely to the lyrics: "you brought the flames and you put me through hell/I had to learn to fight for myself", "You said that I was done/Well you were wrong the best is yet to come". A newfound strength began to emerge and was eventually released from a place of raw pain and heartache, I actually began to feel like I wasn't defeated and that things could actually get better. I focused on the idea that I, too, could pray for my ex-partner, that he could find some redemption in the way in he had hurt and humiliated me. I was going to focus on bettering myself for the remainder of the year, because, as Kesha echos "I'm proud of who I am".  

3) Find Myself - Lucy Rose 

After said breakup, it was time to get myself back on track, more focused and galvanised than ever before. I looked around me and decided that it was time to make choices that made me happy, and let things go that were either holding me back or weighing me down. I had been fortunate by starting this off a few months prior by coming out to my Grandparents, and they had the best reaction possible. I was embraced with nothing but love, kindness and respect. So I utilised this feeling into going forward in the latter half of 2017. I was unhappy in my previous job for various reasons but there was a fear lurking within about change and the uncertainty of which direction my life was going. Somehow, having my heart broken allowed me to be brave in a way, and this bravery resonated with me further through Lucy Rose's gorgeous song Find Myself. Taken from her newest album, Something's Changing, the song speaks of rebirth through trials and tribulation, addressing an anonymous 'you', as helping Lucy find herself. The soft, delicate tones of Lucy's voice really emphasise that change of dependency, to understand your own self-worth and to be kind to yourself. After reflecting I had realised I had changed myself in parts to please others, but I had not realised it at the time. These lessons I took to heart very dearly, bestowing upon me a bravery to apply for a new job without fear or hesitation; I succeeded.  Things became more clearer, and I felt more confident within myself to push past the fear and the self-doubt, aptly summarised in the final lines of the song, "I just know where I'm going to go/ I know just where I'm going/ You have let me."

4) Green Light - Lorde

With a new job under my belt and feeling more 'myself' I had expected things to get easier. But obviously there were days when I still struggled, or I had felt alone. It wasn't until the end of September at Alexandra Palace in London, where I had my final moment of catharsis and finally felt free of the burdens of the past. Me and my good friend Dom had acquired tickets to go see Lorde, after topping the charts with her spectacular album Melodrama. I had openly admitted that I wasn't the biggest fan of Lorde but I had really enjoyed the new record, so I went in to the concert open minded. 2 songs into the set I was eating my words. She was joyous, bouncing across the stage with such a gracefulness combined with stellar vocals and awkward dance moves that she evoked us all to join in with. But it wasn't 'till the encore, when Green Light was performed, that things really changed. The crowd jumped like they were flying into space, the lights flashed so brightly like a clear night sky and I had never felt more free and open. Lyrically, the song deals with the aftermath of a break-up, with Lorde pleading for "that Green Light, I want it",  in order to move on with her life. Everytime the chorus hit, I screamed it at the top of my lungs. So much so that I actually lost my voice. But that night, seeing the (quite literal) green light, was the final release that I didn't know I needed. I wasn't scared to dance awkwardly, sing loudly or jump as high as I could. I was free.
Sidenote: I have read a few theories that the 'green light' is a nod to the green light that is mentioned frequently in F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby which is to be symbolised as hope of the future, but Lorde herself has dismissed this theory. However it kind of works in context of the year I was having so... *shrugs*

5) Love - Lana Del Rey 

This is quite a tough one to talk about. As on the surface, it is quite a literal 'love' song, but look deeper and I feel like there is actually a more transformative nature to the song that transcends expectations. Me and my ex partner had gone away for the weekend to the Cotswolds and it became an unspoken rule that this had become 'our song'. It played religiously in his car, that first strum of the guitar on the song would give me goosebumps that developed into butterflies. We drove in comfortable silence, admiring the view but deliriously happy. After the break-up I refused to listen to it. I couldn't do it. Pressing skip was far more easier than enduring seconds of a song that brought back painful memories. After the weeks faded into months, and I had become more confident in myself, I knew I couldn't avoid it forever. So I began listening to it deliberately every day. And yes, it was difficult. There were walks to work that ended in tears some days. But gradually, it became easier. Rather than associate it with anyone in particular, I made it 'my' song. It became not about being in love with someone, but rather, love for the future. "To be young and in love" became being young and being hopeful. That pain would fade and light would return. That things do get easier. To live in the now and not dwell on the past. Be present, and love.  I listen to it now and I smile. The pain flickers a little, but now I find myself a more assertive, braver and happier person. At the time of writing I have opened up to someone again after I thought I wouldn't be able to, it's early doors but I'm learning to open up my heart again. Making someone happier is a feeling I wouldn't change for any riches in the world. 

  I realise this is quite a bleak post but I guess my point is that it can get better when you think it can't. I have no regrets this year, as I have been able to utilise my hurt and pain into my creativity and into making decisions regarding my career and my future. Here's to wishing you all a very Happy New Year! Be brave, never let anyone take away your worth or value and have hope. The smallest flicker of hope can be the spark needed to ignite a big change.